The Power of Belonging

Don't sleep on this huge driving force.

Communal singing and dancing can be powerful when we feel safe and connected

I was recently listening to a chat between Malcolm Gladwell and Trevor Noah talking about the power of singing together, in this case during a football soccer match. 

Gladwell: “And the whole crowd in that wonderful way, the one thing about English football that, again, I know nothing about it, but I know that they love to sing, that collective singing. And collective singing is one of the most emotionally powerful things human beings do.”

I was struck.  I began to think through my history when I participated in collective singing, from early youth group days and church, songs in my fraternity days, “Don’t Stop Believin’” during the Giants World Series run, Piano Man in a pub in Gallway, Christmas caroling.  Even karaoke.  It was social bonding. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about belonging.  Perhaps because I feel a lack of it lately.  Many of us feel this lack of belonging, with some descending into loneliness, almost an epidemic these days.  Feeling included is powerful.  It not only feels great, but makes you feel safe.  Equally powerful is the pain of being excluded, with the threat being a very motivating force.  This is our attachment system in action.  

Belonging is connection at a community level.

There's a moment most of us have felt — walking into a room and immediately knowing whether or not you belong there. It's not something you think your way into. You feel it. In your chest, your gut, the slight relaxation of muscles you didn't even know were tense. That's not just a nice feeling. That's your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.

We are wired for belonging. Not as a preference, but as a biological imperative.

Safety in numbers

Attachment theory tells us that from the earliest days of life, our nervous systems are scanning for a critical question: Are you there for me? John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, described this as our built-in attachment system — a kind of biological radar that monitors whether we're safe and connected. When the answer is yes, we can breathe. We can explore, take risks, be curious. When the answer is uncertain or no, everything contracts. We go into survival mode.

When we normally discuss attachment theory, we talk about close relationships.  Parents.  Romantic partners.  But collective safety and security – as well as threat – is also a part of this system.  There is safety in numbers as they say.  That biological radar also scans for: Is there someone here for me?  We need a tribe.

I studied “kinship covenant” back in the day. They weren't thought of as contracts, but the initiation of non-blood relationships into a bonded family relationship as if it were blood.  In the Ancient Near East (ANE – biblical times, y'all), this was commonly done for the purpose of safety and security in a dangerous world. Much more powerful than a contract.  Today, this dynamic is deeply embedded in our human experience, rooting values like loyalty and trust that back in the day could save your family’s life.  Our ancestors would make oaths, eat together, protect each other… and sing together.  This led to community thriving.  Growth!

Your Brain on Belonging

Interpersonal neurobiology — the study of how relationships actually shape the brain — shows us something remarkable. When we feel genuinely connected to others, our nervous systems co-regulate. Stress hormones like cortisol drop. The social engagement system, governed by the vagus nerve, opens up. We literally think more clearly, feel more fully, and show up more authentically when we feel like we belong.

Dan Siegel, psychiatrist and founder of the field of interpersonal neurobiology, describes connection as a core organizer of the brain itself. Siegel makes the case that the brain is fundamentally a social organ — shaped not just by genetics or individual experience, but by the quality of our relationships. He coins the term "feeling felt" to describe what happens when another person truly attunes to us — and argues that this experience is not just emotionally satisfying, but neurologically integrating. In other words, being truly seen by another person helps the brain function better.

The inverse is equally true. Naomi Eisenberger, a social neuroscience researcher at UCLA, conducted landmark studies showing that social exclusion activates the same neural pathways as physical pain — specifically the anterior cingulate cortex, the region that processes the distress of a broken bone or a burn. Her research, published in Science (2003), demonstrated that the pain of rejection isn't metaphorical. It's neurological. Loneliness isn't just uncomfortable. It's a stress state. The body reads it as danger. This is why belonging isn't a luxury. It's critical to health.

More Than Just Being in the Room

Here's where it gets important, though. Belonging isn't the same as being present. Social psychology has long distinguished between mere inclusion and true belonging — the difference between being tolerated and being known.

Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary, in their influential 1995 paper "The Need to Belong", argued that humans have a deep, pervasive drive to form and maintain lasting, positive, and significant relationships — and that when this need goes unmet, the consequences ripple everywhere: into mental health, physical health, motivation, and even cognitive performance. Chronically lonely individuals show higher rates of inflammation, disrupted sleep, and weakened immune response. The body keeps score of relational disconnection.

And then there's the critical distinction that researcher and storyteller Brené Brown in Braving the Wilderness draws in her work on vulnerability and connection. Brown argues that belonging and fitting in are actually opposites. Fitting in means assessing a room and becoming whoever you need to be to be accepted. True belonging, by contrast, requires you to show up as yourself — and to find a relational place that can hold that. As she puts it simply: "If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in." The cruel irony, Brown notes, is that we often trade real belonging for the safer feeling of fitting in — and end up lonelier for it.

This can help us understand how people will stay in groups that are unhealthy and even adopt beliefs they otherwise would not believe, leading us to wonder how in the world…?  The felt sense of safety in being included is a powerful thing... as is the threat of exclusion if you speak up. 

When I do presentations on belonging, I ask people to close their eyes and imagine the group they feel the safest with, where they feel like they can be completely themselves, warts and all, and find that feeling in their body.  Many become emotional.  It’s powerful.

Why This Matters

From a relational lens, so much of what we call mental health struggles are actually belonging wounds. Anxiety, depression, relational conflict — underneath many of these is an attachment system asking the same ancient question: Do I matter? Am I valued and wanted? Am I safe here? The dynamics of how people see us and how we see ourselves (View of self/View of other, as Bowlby talked about) are at play beyond just our closest loved ones.  Being excluded can be traumatizing and will stay with us.  I’ve spent many an hour in therapy with this one.

The healing, then, isn't just individual. It's relational.  We need community.  We need to belong.

When we create spaces — in families, communities, and yes, in therapy — where people are truly seen and welcomed, we're not just being nice. We're participating in something neurologically and psychologically transformative. We're telling someone's nervous system: you can relax now. You're home.

Belonging isn't soft. It's the foundation everything else is built on.

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Dr. Mark Maxwell is the founder/director of Conexa, a non-profit focusing on community transformation in mental and relational health. He is also the director of Pacifica Group Counseling and wellness. Read his blog, The Relational Lens.